Problems Page

i cant get these damn astral darts out of my aura, i need to keep drinking in order to solve the issue, but im now hallucinating every time i get drunk, im seeing giant slugs trying to get at the beer mate, its f**ked up..

Troubling...Negative side effects of alcohol must of course be hallucinatory. Unless of course the giant slug is a Tequila worm and then seeing things is natural and should be welcomed, especially in the warm and comfortable environment of a rowdy boozer. As with snake bite antidote being made from the venom you could perhaps try magic mushroom tea instead of coffee to 'sober up'!

hi chubbs..i need to make £50 to pay you for the track were doing.......how do u suggest i make £50 in a short space of time.as long as its not illegal or degrading.....peas

Seeing as it's taking me weeks on end to get the verse started, let alone finished, I think an application for any minimum wage employment could in fact turn a tidy profit! Soon come, rudeboy, soon come.

i have a real bad habit of farting in the most embarrassing situations. whats the best way to excuse myself when this happens?!

Mmm? A question of stink and detection. If a man farts alone in the woods and nobody smelt it, did he really fart at all? I think you'll find that the warmer and quieter the fart the more smelly it is. Be careful who you blame. Remember, girls do not fart and there may not be a dog in the room.

Hi Chubb as ya can probably tell from my name that i am really skruffy need to smarten up my appearance but as soon as the pub opens i am back to my skruffy ways! I also have the urge when drunk to eat pidgeons! Help CHUBB! How can i become a smart clean drinker like ya'self? And stop eating vermin? Please Help

First of all, the pigeons...perhaps season inside and out with salt and pepper. Heat some oil and butter in a casserole dish and add onion, celery, carrot, bacon plus thyme, rosemary and sage and fry gently for 5 minutes. Add your pigeons and fry until lightly brown then add dry white wine and boil briskly for about 5 minutes. Now add some hot chicken stock and cook gently for 1 to 1.5 hours, giving yourself plenty of time for an early evening shit, shower and a shave. Nice. Then add some peas, (there was a joke here about a woman who puts rice and then peas into the same pot being very unhygeinic), and cook until the pidgeons and peas are tender. Discard the herbs, check the seasoning and serve immediatley accompanied by the remaining wine.

When is the next album out chub?

Should i wear vertical or horizontal striped shirts when i go out with the ladies? Like yourself, I'm a tad corpulent in figure. Help would be appreciated. For I've tried ovals & circles & I feel I need to diversify. Oblongs I'll save for a threesome.

G'day mate! Always knew Hip Hop that includes the promotion of beers would be 'down' down under. To be fair i've started sporting Tour de France stlye tight lycra cycling vests...worn just above the midriff. Beautiful. Acts as a sexual beacon to any self-respecting sheilas in the watering-hole...just remember...keep spiking those drinks!!!

How do i work on my double chin?

your a generous fella, got any cures for inner thigh chaffing?

When will there be peace on earth oh great chubb?

When we have made 24hr licences compulsory for all drinking establishments within a 3 mile radius of my yard. This culture of casual violence is a bitch. But if can't join 'em...beat 'em!

Im too short, and im really old despite my youthful appearance. what do i do?

Don't worry 'bout ur height. Five-eight is average and any taller just freakish. Still concerned? remember that excess alcohol can always be relied upon to inflate your sense of self-esteem.

Hi Chubb, I'm sure with your charm, good manners, charisma and ability to remain sober and on the ball at all times, you're a bit of a Ladies Man, as a recent single suggests. This is also the case for myself. From high class one night wonders, to fuck 'em & chuck 'em bus stop skanks, I've seen more greasy burgers than Elvis Presley. A problem most men with our tang ticking powers encounter is waking and finding that the honey from last night has dissapeared and been replaced my some sort of munting scrot. So Chubb. In the event of waking up next to some sort of female genetic mistake, what's your best technique for A) Removing a beast from your bed, and B) Escaping from a beasts bed? I've obviously got some techniques of my own, but its always good to swop ideas with a fellow Pink Puppeteer. P.S. Can I have Fame's autograph, he's awesome, my regular York Road sucky sucky skank reckon's he's nearly as good as Jay-Z! thafe blood an ting

Aaah! Two problems...same answer! A true alcoholic will always keep a good 1/4 bottle of gin or vodka about his person for mornings like these. Simply turn away, enjoy your liquid breakfast and lo and behold within minutes the frog is a princess once more. NB - you must leave for the pub, alone, before 11.00am as the magical effect is not permanent.

I want to know a god like prediction... When will 50 cent get shot or hopefully fall down a big hole he cant rap out of? And why is the "game" called the "game" what is he playing? Is this a one man game or do the rest of America play it. Ita all about the uk hip-hop.

You must relax my purist friend...I use meditation and this daily mantra, "the G-Unit, 50 Cent and The Game do not exist, they do not procreate a negative stereotype of Hip Hop music and they are not glamourising an unattainable lifestyle for the average youth". Working???

word up Chubb i'm an alcoholic just like you. how do you still manage to attract women? they are repulsed by my fat gut & sweaty demeanour.

First of all pass the Corvoursier this way...ta. I find that to make up for a 'slighty' chubby appearance I can rely on my sense of humour, creativity and skills on the m.i.c. I advise you do the sa....oh dear!!!

please help me Chubby. my jiggy music is destroying me & slowly the rest of the planet, but i'm rich beyond my dreams. what the f$$k do i do now?

You must use Michael Jackson as a role model and embroil yourself in rumours of paedophilia. I prescribe 10 pints of 'Jesus Juice' a day. By the way, this website is not for you.